A Hypothetical Trump Cabinet “Dream Team”
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OK, most of these people are dead (or fictional), but it would be interesting to see if we could fill President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet with folks from history (or storybooks). This would be in keeping with the “spoils system” and “kitchen cabinets” of yore, fulfilling Mr. Trump’s stated goals (which if I’m understanding correctly, is to create as much chaos and uncertainty as possible)
PRESS SECRETARY: SENATOR JOSEPH McCARTHY: Worried that “tail-gunner Joe” is loose with the truth, prone to making stuff up for political gain, vindictive, virulently anti-Semitic and anti-Gay? Well worry no more, as these have pretty much become the requirements for the job! The only thing that might disqualify Joe is that he also hates Soviet Communists, which the incoming administration currently adores.
DEFENSE SECRETARY: JULIUS CAESAR. One ordinarily thinks of the Defense Secretary as defending against our foreign enemies, yet Trump’s stated position is to sic the military on “the enemy within” (No, not the people from the Will Smith movie, the Democrats). I can think of no one more qualified for this position than Julius Caesar, who surprised everyone by “crossing the Rubicon” to lead a military coup of Rome, thereby ending the Roman Republic. Once accomplished, Caesar handed out the spoils of the Roman occupation to his loyal soldiers, the way Trump is handing out his spoils of victory to loyal followers, regardless of merit.
SECRETARY OF STATE: NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN. Using the “Give half of Czechoslovakia to Hitler in Return for a Promised Peace” trick, good ol’ Neville is surely ready to cut a similar deal with Vladimir Putin, thereby giving Ukraine away while smiling and saying “We have achieved peace in our times”. Meanwhile, tricky Vlad will have his fingers crossed behind his back.
AMBASSADOR TO NATO: MATTHEW WHITAKER. Wouldn’t it be funny it former Trump AD-whore-Mueller Report whitewasher Matthew Whitaker was our Ambassador to NATO? Oh wait…he IS Trump’s candidate Ambassador to NATO!
INTERIOR SECRETARY: ANDREW JACKSON/DARTH VADER. I’m going with Andrew Jackson here, since he did such a great job setting fire to Native American settlements (and driving off their food sources) in the early 1800s, thereby setting the stage for cotton growing and slavery (while forced relocations to Oklahoma killed many). This may be the best way to “steward” public lands, as otherwise they would just lay there, revegetate, and provide habitat. As assistant Interior Secretary, I nominate Darth Vader, who has experience destroying planets via the Death Star.
HHR SECRETARY DR. JOSEF MENGELE/NURSE RATCHED. Move over RFK II, I’m moving the esteemed Dr. Mengele ahead of you. Let’s face it, he has more experience than anyone in experimenting with the human body (and animals too, sometimes simultaneously). You think depriving our society of vaccines will cure Autism at the cost of sacrificing other lives unnecessarily? Well Dr. Mengele is an expert in the loss of human life! As Assistant HHR Secretary, I nominate Nurse Ratched, who will revitalize our Mental Health and Prison Health Systems (heh-heh).
AGRICULTURE SECRETARY CRUELA DeVIL. At the risk of offending Ron DeSantis (who hates everything Disney), I nominate Cruela DeVil. Did you think that Kristy Noeme knew how to exploit dogs? Well Cruela makes her look like an amateur! What, you may ask, has this to do with Agriculture? Well dogs are animals, and animals are part of agriculture…duh! The rest Cruela can learn on the job. Besides, when did lack of relevant knowledge/experience ever get in the way of one of these picks?
TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY: MAX PRUSS (Hindenburg Captain), EDWARD SMITH (Titanic Captain). What do these two (submitted for Secretary and Assistant Secretary of Transportation) have in common? Both wrecked their respective vessels, costing the lives of over half the passengers. As such, both can be counted upon to run our Nation’s Transportation system into the ground! Remember, a Phoenix rises from the ashes!
EDUCATION SECRETARY: MOSES. A pick guaranteed to please the Evangelical voters, Moses is sure to keep education fundamental. Simply repeat his Ten Commandments every day, utilize ten minutes of prayer, separate boys/girls, teach Biblical inerrancy/creationism, and provide occasional ritual sacrifice as per his books Leviticus and Deuteronomy. After two years, students are sure to…wait! We forgot to teach reading, writing, and ‘rithmetic!
GOVERNMENT EFFICIENCY: HAL 9000. Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy think they have this sewed up, yet it will be more cost-effective and efficient to just turn the whole thing over the HAL 9000 from “The Space Odyssey” (which will delight AI enthusiasts). He can be capably assisted by VIKI from “I Robot”, and even a self-aware Terminator Robot. Remember, in AI computer world, the highest efficiency logic usually involves destroying all humans.
HOUSING and HUMAN SERVICES SECRETARY: MRS O’LEARY’S COW. Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow, if you will recall, was responsible for the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, started by kicking over a lantern during an evening milking. Not only capable of destroying entire Cities (which can then be rebuilt as Trump Tenements), Mrs. O’Leary’s cow is sure to be an expert on raw milk.
CIA DIRECTOR-HOMER SIMPSON. Gathering Intelligence? Well don’t expect Homer to get in your way…
ATTORNEY GENERAL-ROY COHN/RUDY GIULIANI. Trump mentor Cohn may be the shadiest attorney this side of Rudy Giuliani (who conveniently is submitted as his assistant). Both have the mob connections, political dirty tricks, bogus lawsuit, and media framing ties to keep this Nation strong!
TREASURY SECRETARY-GORDON GEKKO. Reminiscent of Wall Street efficiency expert Michael Milken (who simply took away the pensions of the companies he bought), Gekko may be called a financial expert, claiming “If you’re not on the inside, you’re on the outside” (insider trading, that is). Though not likely to be confirmed by ordinary stock traders (ie “Suckers”), he will be heartily embraced by all the bitcoin and gambling industry people out there.
ENERGY SECRETARY-VIKTOR BRYUKHANOV. Bryukhanov, you may recall, was in charge of Chernobyl during the 1986 meltdown. Who better to provide leadership and vision for our Country future energy needs! Clean energy? Nyet! Viktor has the right energy for you!
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