Why Ayn Rand & Nietzsche are Dangerous and Superman Comics Should be Banned
ANOTHER VERN SCOTT FUTURISTIC FARCE
In this era of right-wing nuttery, a sort of dangerous triumvirate has emerged…would be Fascist leaders like Trump, bracketed by racists and apocalyptic religious zealots. These groups are egged-on by right wing media cheerleaders such as Fox News, 4Chan, and Alex Jones. But the gravest threat to Democracy may be the Capitalist pronouncements of long-deceased authors Ayn Rand and Friedrich Nietzsche. As such, we should call for the immediate ban of Superman and other Superhero comics, that unleash these dangerous “Ubermensch” characters, who are capable of launching a Capitalist takeover.
Jan 1, 2022. Ever since Donald Trump surprisingly won the Presidency in 2016, and unsuccessfully challenged the results of the 2020 election, we have watched in horror as our worst fears have been realized, and close to 40% of our electorate has been cultivated as proto-Fascists akin to Hitler’s 30’s Germany. Rather unsurprisingly, when we peel away all the white-male fears and anger of the disenfranchised, we mostly end up blaming Paul Ryan and Alan Greenspan. Those two more than anyone (and their love for Ayn Rand books that praise high-minded Capitalist heroes), are responsible for this Trump uprising, as much as Friedrich Nietzsche books are responsible for the rise of Hitler. Accordingly, this love of warped Capitalism must be struck down in the name of “what is best for the collective electorate”. Towards this end, we must begin by banning Superman comics (along with other too-powerful superheroes).
Though he ostensibly “fights for truth, justice, and the American way”, Superman has subversive powers. Left unchecked, he could use his heat vision and strength to open the vaults at Fort Knox, or release all prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. Naysayers have pointed out that Superman’s greatest power is his “love of doing good”, and that “competition among Superheroes keeps their superpowers in check”, but those are beside the point. These same critics also claim that Superman (Wonder Woman, Spiderman, Batman, and others of his nefarious ilk) is generally too busy fighting crime and helping Jimmy Olson to bother using his x-ray vision to watch Lois Lane in the Ladies Powder Room, or to use his Super-Intelligence to raid the Internet for everyone’s bank account numbers, but one wonders. The government agency assigned to reign in Superman has decided the only humane way to limit his powers is to house him in a lead apartment, with a Kryptonite lining (while writing “I hate Howard Roark” 10,000 times daily on a dry erase board) in case he tries to escape. This is the only way to protect those likely to naively say “Gee, thanks for saving Metropolis Superman”, while obliquely becoming “Superman enablers”, allowing him to potentially satisfy 10,000 lusty women each night, or unfairly take NBA titles away from LeBron James (all to the detriment of fairness in society).
This “Superman Crisis” began with the writings of Friedrich Nietzsche and Ayn Rand, who connivingly began stating that society was well-served by great people who were idealistic, forthright, creative, and didn’t follow the crowd. They also had the temerity to say that these rugged “individualists” were hindered by jealous cohorts who sought to use deception and hearsay to turn weak-minds against these individualists, while more or less plotting to steal their great works. Further, they had the audacity to say that these “great people” could be housed in a “free society” where their works could be appreciated, and their detractors held at bay by the will of investors and an objective free press. Neither Rand nor Nietzsche particularly believed in God (though both thought Jesus was an example of a great individual also tortured by mediocrity) so they were deemed a further threat. It didn’t help that Nietzsche went cuckoo in old age, and that Rand was a rather humorless free-love advocate, which helped burnish their bad reputations and cement their perceived threats to society. Subsequently, after review of the evils of Hitler and Trump, it was decided that Superman (an embodiment of the unbridled Capitalist) should also be banned, while attempts were made to discredit the moral character of his creators, Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster. After finding little dirt on the two, adherents of Superman, began making strange statements like “I just like to read Superman comics…I don’t really care about the character of the author and illustrator”, “Isn’t Superman rather explicitly against political innuendo, dictatorship, and religious oppression?”, and “why can’t I just go along with the pretext that Superman is a good guy with muscles, while you leave us alone?” Obviously, after the Capitol was laid under siege from fringe elements, society was compelled to “cut off the head of the snake”, starting with this funny-book monster.
Once Donald Trump was caught and forced to come clean, he quickly blamed this outbreak of “dangerous Rand/Nietzsche-ism” on Republican predecessors Alan Greenspan and Paul Ryan. When reached for comment, the 96-year old Greenspan replied “Hey! All I ever did was try to control interest rates, fight inflation, and warn of ‘irrational exuberance’ in housing markets…yes I really like Ayn Rand novels and Capitalism, but so do a lot of people…is that a crime?”. Paul Ryan, when finally cornered by 60 Minutes’ Leslie Stahl, stated “Wait, I do like Ayn Rand novels, but while in office I mostly tried to do entitlement reform, reduce the national debt, and counter some of Trump’s bombastic lies…is all of that so bad?” Tragically, neither had any idea of all the damage they had done to our society. Each was given a 20-year term in the “Wesley Mooch Memorial Federal Prison” and forced to write “I will not mention the name John Galt” 50 times on the eraser board each day.
After successfully blaming Greenspan and Ryan and denouncing Hitler/Franco/Nietzsche/Rand/anyone else that opposed him as “Extremists”, Donald Trump helped redeem himself by trying to cancel “cancel culture”, helping aggrieved whites whine about the epidemic of whining, and using his modified & violent definition of “free speech” to modify actual free speech. He also made frequent speeches denouncing Superman as “a dangerous Communist/Socialist/Fascist/and anything else-ist scourge”.
Meanwhile, the “Ellsworth Toohey Daily News” supplanted the Wall Street Journal and USA Today as the Nation’s main information source, with frequent editorials railing against the dangers of “unrepentant Capitalists” such as Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Elon Musk, and Jeff Bezos, with warnings for such insidious truth-seeking social critics such as Bill Maher, Stephen Colbert, and Dave Chappelle. The State is considering bans on the Jimmy Stewart and Charlie Brown characters (two who try to take on the world’s guilt while foolishly trying to be heroes and being unappreciated or ripped off), a snide H.L. Mencken and snarky illusionist Penn Jillette. Meanwhile, Trump and his minions got off with a few wrist slaps and Indian burns, and even went on to help bankroll and “brand” this anti-capitalist movement. After all, the Donald had changed his spots so many times, what did it matter, as long as he was popular, influential, and making money.
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